Funny Emails

[pocket-rocket]

I still keep in touch some with Snake from EFI. We trade funny emails all the time and this is one that he just sent me. I almost fell out of my chair reading this!

The next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail
he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in

Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue:
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to
make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what
happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the
office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered
industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the
water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps

it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with
no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.


Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the

damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water
machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to
it.

However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other
divers,
were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running
down
his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon

as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for
two
days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse
it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job..."

[RednBlack]

I Love My Job!, I Love My Job!!!! LMFAOx10!!!

[Manitcor]

[pocket-rocket]

Here is another one he just sent me today...

> >WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR GEORGE W. BUSH GIVE
> >THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
> >
> >My Fellow Americans:
> >As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since
> >congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
> >mission in Iraq is complete.
> >
> >This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
> >forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is
> >now to begin the reckoning.
> >
> >Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of
> >countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict.
> >This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia,
> >and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
> >
> >The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the
> >worlds nations are on that list. My press secretary will be
> >distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
> >
> >Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to
> >those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The
> >money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the
> >costs of the Iraqi war.
> >
> >The American people are no longer going to pour money into third
> >world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on
> >corruption.
> >
> >Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
> >
> >In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this
> >money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at
> >home.
> >
> >On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and
> >we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from
> >the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize?
> >Try France, or maybe China.
> >
> >To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace
> >deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can
> >go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there.
> >Big tables, too. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic
> >relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help,
> >comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
> >I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing
> >the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two
> >unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped,
> >shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to
> >this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those
> >tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be
> >turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New
> >York.
> >
> >A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are
> >likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want
> >to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2.
> >President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an
> >attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry
> >divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep,
> >border security. So start doing something with your oil.
> >Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA
> >treaty --- starting now.
> >
> >We are tired of the one-way highway.
> >
> >It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own
> >citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be
> >saying, "darn tootin."
> >
> >Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around
> >the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about
> >everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America.
> >It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to
> >eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.
> >To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe
> >you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought.
> >Drop dead.
> >
> >God bless America.
> >Thank you and good night.
> >If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in
> >English, thank a soldier. ( Please forward this to at least ten
> >friends and see what happens!
> >Let's get this to every USA computer

[bszopi]

That is just awesome. I've had some of those same feelings for years!! I just wish someone would actually take at least some of those actions and see how many countries come crying to us...

[RednBlack]

Believe it! G.W.B. wants to give that speech! I want him to. Can you HTML that? I need to forward it.

[Q]

I dunno ... I kinda like world cup soccer.

Q

[pocket-rocket]

Believe it! G.W.B. wants to give that speech! I want him to. Can you HTML that? I need to forward it.

PM me your email addy, and I will forward it to you.

[Sorin]

Sounds good to me. If only it were real

But to hell with the "they didn't help us" business, we just need to get our fucking noses out of every other countries' business anyways. Every time someone breathes wrong in some other country we have to show up with tanks and destroyers and bombers and shit and say "stfu, we rule. listen to us or die. Oh yeah, give us your resources. oh and one other thing, you're going to be a democracy now. Have a nice day. kthxbye."

With all the money we spend trying to bribe and rule the world, think of all the shit that could have been done here at home.

[bszopi]

Here is one that someone sent to my boss today...

THE FUTURE OF TEXAS



Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union (please refer to the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 184.

We Texans love y'all, but we'll have to take action if Kerry wins president over Bush. We'll miss you too. Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results. After seeing the whiners along the campaign route, the folks from Texas are considering taking matters into our own hands.

Here is our solution:

#1: Let John Kerry become President of the United States. (all 49 states)

#2: George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic Of Texas.

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. (we will control the space industry.)

2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.

3. Defense Industry. (we have over 65% of it) The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.

4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.

5. Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. John Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm....

6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola,Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.

7. Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.

8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT Texas, A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, Ivy grows better in the south anyway

9. We have a ready supply of workers. (just open the border when we need some more)

10. We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers.

12. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and lets not forget seafood from the gulf. And everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food. This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic Of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Kerry: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Kerry will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications.

You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.

Signed, The People in Texas,

Have a nice day!

[RednBlack]

Hoooweee! I've been on GWBs side for a long time! Hate to be on the other side! I've seen those missiles he tosses! Packin' up,....Movin' to Texas! Yeehaww! Hope there is enough Lone Star beer! Don't need to open the southern border, 'cause the immigration from the North will suffice!

[pocket-rocket]

We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain,

In other words, they won't need the beer from WI, cause they will have the grains to make their own, lol. I like that email, lol.

[pocket-rocket]

A few I got from my mom today, lol:

TALKING DOG


One day down in Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale".

He rings the bell and the owner, Bubba, tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running".... "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down." "So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Bubba what he wants for the dog?

"Ten dollars".

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap."

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are ourown, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here issomething to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing ome one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Quick, send this on to ten people within the next five minutes. Nothing will happen if you don't, but if you do, ten people will be laughing.

And a unique paint job on a plumbing truck, lol:

[pocket-rocket]

Someone has too much time on their hand, and a lot of talent to back it up! Here is what the top of the email said:

These are all drawings done on sidewalks...so keep in mind the surfaces are FLAT!

[pocket-rocket]

A few more chalk pics.