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I need to vent some rage, so here's a list of 5 types of people that need to be locked in a poorly wired L67 car:
1. People who put crosses along the highway because somebody died there once.
Why are some people so freakin special that they need two gravestones, one where they died and when where they got buried? Tragically killed, his life was cut short. News Flash! Few if any people are happily killed, and dying will always cut your life short! They're distracting, and depressing, and I'm sick of seeing them. There are five I can point out within 5 miles of my house! Maybe I need to tear through a couple graveyards to balance things out.
2. People who can't decide how fast to go on the freeway.
I'm simple. I lock my cruise at a speed and maintain if at all possible. I stay in the right lane, unless I come up on someone going slower, then I move out to pass. Then they decide the speed they were going 3 seconds ago is no longer satisfactory. Time to speed up! Now they're pacing me, I'm blocking the left lane because I can no longer get around, I feel guilty and move back over. "Oh, wait! Time to return to my previous speed," they say! Now I'm pinned, I have to get off the cruise, wait for an opening and blow by this asshole again! Seriously, the cruise is there for a reason. Use it!
3. People who can't drive AND talk on cellphones.
You may think these two go hand in hand, but I disagree. I think some people out there are capable of driving and talking on the phone simultaneously, but they are a rare breed. Example: Some dumb bitch pulls out into traffic during rush hour while they're doing construction. I'm in the right lane going 2 MPH. She pulls out, cuts me off, sees the left lane is open, goes for it, doesn't see the car coming up behind me who has to slam on here brakes to avoid her, she keeps driving on tra la la la la. Makes me wish I carried a loaded paintball gun within easy reach, or had one of those Hornblaster kits on my car. Nothing says, "Pay attention, bitch," like 200 dB of diesel locomotive horn behind you.
4. People whose cars are made up of 90% bumper stickers.
Bumper Sticker: noun, English, 'a sticker for your car bumper.' Not a sticker for your fender, window, or taillights! Hey, I'm all for expressing yourself, but after so many of these damn things you cross a line that moves you into clinically nuts, and I draw that line at six. Seven stickers is straight jacket time!
5. People who can't process colors in their head.
Example: You're in front of someone at the stoplight. The light turns green. They're still sitting there 5 second later thinking about it. "Hmm, is that green? Looks more like a greenish purple." They finally get the hint after you've honked at them for 10 seconds straight. Now they light is changing, and you won't make it through. Now you have to sit at the same light twice because some clueless woman was too busy deciding which is the best control top pantyhoe. People have places to go and things to do, and they're 5 cars back and saw that the light turned! Pay attention or stay home, those are your choices. Next person who pins me at the same light twice is getting their plate taken down, I'm gonna find you and fill your tires with Cheez Whiz. If you've got shit for brains, you may as well smell the part too.
Rant over. Time for the Daily Show.
1. People who put crosses along the highway because somebody died there once.
Why are some people so freakin special that they need two gravestones, one where they died and when where they got buried? Tragically killed, his life was cut short. News Flash! Few if any people are happily killed, and dying will always cut your life short! They're distracting, and depressing, and I'm sick of seeing them. There are five I can point out within 5 miles of my house! Maybe I need to tear through a couple graveyards to balance things out.
2. People who can't decide how fast to go on the freeway.
I'm simple. I lock my cruise at a speed and maintain if at all possible. I stay in the right lane, unless I come up on someone going slower, then I move out to pass. Then they decide the speed they were going 3 seconds ago is no longer satisfactory. Time to speed up! Now they're pacing me, I'm blocking the left lane because I can no longer get around, I feel guilty and move back over. "Oh, wait! Time to return to my previous speed," they say! Now I'm pinned, I have to get off the cruise, wait for an opening and blow by this asshole again! Seriously, the cruise is there for a reason. Use it!
3. People who can't drive AND talk on cellphones.
You may think these two go hand in hand, but I disagree. I think some people out there are capable of driving and talking on the phone simultaneously, but they are a rare breed. Example: Some dumb bitch pulls out into traffic during rush hour while they're doing construction. I'm in the right lane going 2 MPH. She pulls out, cuts me off, sees the left lane is open, goes for it, doesn't see the car coming up behind me who has to slam on here brakes to avoid her, she keeps driving on tra la la la la. Makes me wish I carried a loaded paintball gun within easy reach, or had one of those Hornblaster kits on my car. Nothing says, "Pay attention, bitch," like 200 dB of diesel locomotive horn behind you.
4. People whose cars are made up of 90% bumper stickers.
Bumper Sticker: noun, English, 'a sticker for your car bumper.' Not a sticker for your fender, window, or taillights! Hey, I'm all for expressing yourself, but after so many of these damn things you cross a line that moves you into clinically nuts, and I draw that line at six. Seven stickers is straight jacket time!
5. People who can't process colors in their head.
Example: You're in front of someone at the stoplight. The light turns green. They're still sitting there 5 second later thinking about it. "Hmm, is that green? Looks more like a greenish purple." They finally get the hint after you've honked at them for 10 seconds straight. Now they light is changing, and you won't make it through. Now you have to sit at the same light twice because some clueless woman was too busy deciding which is the best control top pantyhoe. People have places to go and things to do, and they're 5 cars back and saw that the light turned! Pay attention or stay home, those are your choices. Next person who pins me at the same light twice is getting their plate taken down, I'm gonna find you and fill your tires with Cheez Whiz. If you've got shit for brains, you may as well smell the part too.
Rant over. Time for the Daily Show.
Unless it's in a parking lot at a sporting event
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